Anonymous Trump official: Don’t worry, America, us unelected nameless GOP hacks have quietly executed a coup
Trump is mentally incapable of functioning as president, writes one of his administration’s senior officials, anonymously, in the New York Times. But not to worry, America. An administrative coup has been effected and we’re making sure the GOP’s agenda will be executed for as long as we can strap him to his horse.
Given the instability many witnessed, there were early whispers within the cabinet of invoking the 25th Amendment, which would start a complex process for removing the president. But no one wanted to precipitate a constitutional crisis. So we will do what we can to steer the administration in the right direction until — one way or another — it’s over.
It’s so uninformative and lacking in detail that anyone could fake it and were it not for the Times’ imprimatur, no-one would believe it was real. Nothing good will come of this, other than the fun of speculating who authored it and why.
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What it smoothly describes is, in fact, worse than Trump: an administration run secretly by unnamed, unelected figures in the Republican Party. But that can’t be the whole truth, because why would they publish an op-ed about it in the Times if they actually wanted to carry on with the plan?
This is probably just blather from some palace functionary or a cabinet member who wants to look good when it’s all over, someone who knows that the editorial page of the New York Times is 2018’s best place for bullshit.
Update: an unusual word in the article, “lodestar,” is a favorite of Vice President Mike Pence. The “why” in this case is obvious, but the “how” becomes incomprehensibly dumb.
Anonymous Trump Idiot Just Doing A Coup In The New York Times, TOTALLY NORMAL
Evan Hurst September. 06, 2018 10:47
HOLY CRAP, WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING?
If you are just waking up from a 12-hour nap, somebodywrote an anonymous op-ed in the New York Times that is at once the best and worst thing, the most terribly wonderful thing and the most wonderfully terrible thing. It is called “I Am Part of the Resistance Inside the Trump Administration,” and oh boy, this is where the United States of America is in 2018!
The piece alleges that its author is not a lone actor, but rather a “senior official in the Trump administration” who claims to be a member of a significant group within the administration that’s actively working to “thwart” the “worst inclinations” of the barely elected orange shithole who stole the Oval Office and refuses to leave. That’s wonderful, right? RIGHT?
Sort of kind of? Except how it’s a terrible precedent for democracy? And if things are really so bad, wouldn’t it have been better if this was a public resignation letter, as opposed to an anonymous NYT op-ed? Isn’t this kind of cowardly? Maybe this is good info to know, but actually if the president is as fucking insane and “amoral” as the author claims, shouldn’t this person be behind closed doors with Congress right now working to get the president removed from office?
We’re getting a bit ahead of ourselves. First, here are some lines from the op-ed, which really is incredible:
The dilemma — which [Trump] does not fully grasp — is that many of the senior officials in his own administration are working diligently from within to frustrate parts of his agenda and his worst inclinations.
I would know. I am one of them. […]
The root of the problem is the president’s amorality. Anyone who works with him knows he is not moored to any discernible first principles that guide his decision making. […]
Meetings with him veer off topic and off the rails, he engages in repetitive rants, and his impulsiveness results in half-baked, ill-informed and occasionally reckless decisions that have to be walked back. […]
It may be cold comfort in this chaotic era, but Americans should know that there are adults in the room. We fully recognize what is happening. And we are trying to do what’s right even when Donald Trump won’t.
Oh thank you, wonderful anonymous person, we’ll be sure to send a drag queen to do a stunning lip synch of Mariah Carey’s “Hero” as a token of America’s appreciation.
The author particularly focuses on national security and foreign policy, and indeed pats him/herself on the back for what this #Resistance in the White House is doing, particularly on holding Russia accountable in defiance of the president’s worst intentions, concluding that this group of naughty White House disobeyers is not the “deep state,” but rather the “STEADY STATE.”
The author is obviously a Republican true believer, because he/she says some of the stuff the administration — or at least the STEADY STATE part of it — has accomplished has made America “safer and more prosperous,” while bemoaning that President Shit Whistle is not a fan of true Republican Sparkle Motion principles like “free minds, free markets and free people.”
But these successes have come despite — not because of — the president’s leadership style, which is impetuous, adversarial, petty and ineffective.
In fact, the author says things are so bad that early on, there were “whispers” of going ahead and invoking the 25th Amendment and removing his gross ass, but they didn’t do that because they didn’t want to start a constitutional crisis, therefore they “will do what we can to steer the administration in the right direction until — one way or another — it’s over.”
ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.
Is the author saying the 25th is back on the table? Is something else afoot? TELL US, RESISTANCE HERO WHO IS SAVING OUR INSTITUTIONS BY DOING A QUIET ANTI-DEMOCRATIC COUP IN THE WHITE HOUSE, TELL US!
The author concludes with a paean to recently dead senator John McCain, whose example will always be our “LODESTAR,” because that is a normal and nice word to drop casually in conversation (LODESTAR!), and tells us that the “real difference will be made by everyday citizens rising above politics, reaching across the aisle and resolving to shed the labels in favor of a single one: Americans.” Awwwww, isn’t that nice? We can all be heroes, forever and ever!
Jesus Christ, WHAT THE HELL?
Immediately after the op-ed came out, everybody started trying to analyze what it means and who wrote it, yadda yadda, and so on and so forth. Was the op-ed itself an elaborate piece of propaganda? In a roundabout way, was the author trying to reassure congressional Republicans that actually things are fine, that a shadow government is in place — the op-ed calls it a “two-track presidency” — so no need to freak out about the orange wizard behind the curtain? “Yes, it’s as terrible as it seems! But DON’T WORRY, there are FOR REAL all these adults in the room, just like the Bob Woodward book says! We take the papers off his desk! We don’t do hardly any of the illegal foreign leader assassinations he tells us to do! We even switched out the nuke codes with a bucket of pussy for the president to grab!”
Except that last part probably is not true, and the unhinged president almost certainly does still have the nuclear codes.
So maybe the author is trying to pull a fire alarm and tell us what we’ve always suspected to be true is true, but that it’s somehow worse than it used to be. Maybe the subtext of the op-ed, despite its reassurances, is that actually IT’S NOT WORKING ANYMORE. Because really, if this ship was in TIPPY-TOP SHAPE because of the #Resistance in the White House, then they wouldn’t need to publish this and tell us the cabinet was talking about invoking the 25th LAST FUCKING YEAR.
“This is what all of us have understood to be the situation from Day One,” Sen. Bob Corker (R-Tenn.) told reporters. He added, “That’s why I think all of us encourage the good people around the president to stay.”
THEN GODDAMN DO SOMETHING.
And the person who wrote this op-ed needs to come forward, and then GODDAMN DO SOMETHING. Yes, we understand that we are supposed to believe they are “doing something” by being heroic resistance fighters in the White House, and we guess having people in the administration working against Fuckhead’s best impulses is better than the alternative, if the alternative is for President Fuckhead to actually be in charge. (Of course, regardless of how Trump’s election is likely completely illegitimate, at least he was still elected, at least on paper. This alleged resistance was not.)
But there is another alternative! Hell, there are several alternatives that are better than a shadow group of SURELY VERY HEROIC people distracting President Pissbaby with a laser pointer every time he’s about to blow all this shit up.
Like for instance, you could actually start the process of removing President Laser Pointer from office!
And as we said, the writer needs to come forward. What’s wrong, anonymous person? You wanna be a fuckin’ hero? GET THAT LIFE, HONEY, and STEP THE FUCK UP.
Speaking of President Laser Pointer …
His reaction to this has been predictably cool, calm and collected.
That’s what Robert Mueller is investigating, cupcake, let’s not get distracted.
Does the so-called “Senior Administration Official” really exist, or is it just the Failing New York Times with another phony source? If the GUTLESS anonymous person does indeed exist, the Times must, for National Security purposes, turn him/her over to government at once!
Hahahahahahahaha, how can NYT turn this person over to the government when they’re ALREADY IN THE WHITE HOUSE, PRESIDENT PARANOID?
The White House’s statement was similarly very normal and sane as it bragged about the president’s little squeaker of an Electoral College victory and went on to describe the op-ed writer as “gutless.”
According to WaPo, Trump’s behind-the-scenes reaction to this has been “volcanic,” so KA-BOOM! Meanwhile, people in and around the White House have been sexting each other to say, “The sleeper cells have awoken.”
WHOA IF TRUE!
NO SLEEPER CELL! NO SLEEPER CELL! WHO IS THE SLEEPER CELL??????
OK fine, we will close with a half-ass wild speculation on who it is. Some people noted the curious use of the word “LODESTAR,” which turns out to be one of Mike Pence’s FAVORITE FUCKING WORDS. Like, when he’s having Shameful Intimacy Time with Mother, he probably yells “LODESTAR!” when he does his O-Face. However, it’s good to remember that one of the oldest rules from the famous book How To Be A Leaker For Dummies is that it’s good to mimic somebody else’s talking style when you leak, to throw people off the scent.
So it’s probably not Pence. Please, do you really think this is how Pence would play this? Fuuuuuuuuuuuck no. That man is out for power, not an anonymous op-ed.
Lawrence O’Donnell has what we think is the best guess:
An error occurred.
Is he right? Does the author’s name rhyme with “Jan Boats”? When he paints his sunroom, does he apply many COATS of paint? If he was a Bible character, would he wear COATS of many colors? We are just asking!
Dan Coats’s office says it wasn’t him, but he WOULD say that, wouldn’t he?