Who The Hell Is Sending Naked Selfies To Putin?
December. 28, 2018 04:15
Hey y’all, it’s naked selfie Friday! Who wants to go first?
Okay, fine. We’ll let Vlad start with this motion where his minions ask the important question:
Could the manner in which [Robert Mueller] collected a nude selfie really threaten the national security of the United States?
LORDY DON’T LET THERE BE TAPES OF TRUMP’S NAKED ORANGE ASS! The country has been through enough! But in all seriousness, what the hell is this? Whose pink bits are part of the evidence in the Special Counsel’s criminal case against the Internet Research Agency? Is this the pee tape, or what?
Back in February, Mueller indicted 13 Russian nationals and three Russian companies for conspiring to ratfuck the American election. Remember the guys who dumped thousands of posts on Instagram, Facebook and Twitter propping up Jill Stein and telling black people not to vote in 2016? It’s those guys.
None of the individuals, including “Putin’s caterer” Yevgeniy Prigozhin, who bankrolled the Internet Research Agency operation, showed up to defend themselves. But one of Prigozhin’s companies, Concord Management, did enter an appearance in DC District Court.
This provided Prigozhin an ideal perch from which to challenge Mueller’s legitimacy, while attempting to extract maximum information through the discovery process. All from the safety of Russia, where he and his money remain out of reach of US courts. Neat trick, huh?
As with the other dozen challenges to Mueller’s appointment, this one crashed and burned. (Paging Jerome Corsi.) But the discovery issues are more complicated. A defendant has the right to confront his accuser and see all exculpatory evidence, but that must be balanced against the national security interest in protecting classified information. Prigozhin’s American lawyers have plastered the court with requests for every bit of Russian surveillance data collected since the Cold War. Mueller’s team fired back with requests that Prigozhin’s counsel be required to shield evidence from their Kremlin-linked client. The special counsel’s office has also moved to present some evidence ex parte, that is only disclosing it to the judge, outside the presence of opposing counsel.
Which brings us to the naked selfie, which came up in this batcrap insane motion filed yesterday by Prigozhin’s attorneys.
In this first-of-its-kind, make-believe case the Special Counsel now seeks to completely obliterate any remaining rights of Concord to defend itself, and in typical fashion provides only completely misleading case authority for the remarkable proposition that he should be able to continue to whisper secrets to the Court. Since the Special Counsel has already gotten away with this once as he notes in his Motion, this Opposition is likely fruitless, but object we must both for Concord and every other defendant to whom the Special Counsel believes the laws and rules of the United States no longer apply to his novel adventures.
After stating that “a first year law student would likely question” the Special Counsel’s legal reasoning, Prigozhin’s attorneys wondered if Mueller “just threw a dart at the Federal Reporter” when crafting his most recent argument in favor of ex parte disclosure. Because obviously the former head of the FBI just doesn’t know how to law good. No doubt Judge Dabney Friedrich’s clerks were delighted to spend their holiday weekend wading through the frothy Santorum in Concord’s latest filing.
Concord may want to force the government to say whether it hacked the IRA, or managed to extract info via a mole. But that’s a question for another day. Our task, Wonkers, is to put our heads together and figure out whose naked selfie has been introduced into evidence in the case against the Russian ratfuckers?
Is it Lindsey Graham? Because that guy’s gone off the deep end lately.
Is it Mike Pence? Not that we would traffic in rumors, but, ummm …
Is it Don Junior? Because half of Fox has seen his junk on Kim Guilfoyle’s phone.
Is it Jared? Oh, like anyone would care about seeing him naked.
Is it Michael Cohen? He’s definitely dumb enough to text a photo home to his wife like, “Almost done settling up with the Russians in Prague. Miss you, honey!”
WHO THE HELL IS IT?????